First Post

This is the first post in my self pity blog. I don't want to torture my friends with my wallowing any longer. I don't feel good. I never feel good. Even if my body is whole my spirit is flawed. My body is rarely whole.

I should probably give some back story. I'm sick. I've been kind of sick most of my life but I was always strong. I was immortal until July 3rd 2010. About 6 years ago I had heel spurs. My heel spurs didn't just go away like they thought they would. Eventually a Dr took them out and for a bit they got better but then suddenly they got worse and swollen. The doctors don't think this was the cause of my problem in July but I disagree. See on July 3rd 2010 I almost died. A massive pulmonary embolism lodged itself in my right lung. It was hard but I managed to live. I went on drugs which was a big to do cause I'm heparin resistant. A few months later I had two more pulmonary embolisms even though my warfrain levels had been therapeutic. So we played with more meds and they put me on lovenox which worked well for a bit. It made me very sick after awhile. nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, and dizziness. So they switched me to AriXtra. It was going well lately I've had nausea and dizziness again.

So that's what happened. Now here's why I'm writing this. Sometimes I wish I hadn't lived that night in July. Sometimes I wish I'd died anyway. Sometimes I think that it isn't worth it. And now cause I can't seem to get happy I'm losing friends. Apparently 7 months means I should be happy and bouncy even though I feel like I might have to go vomit at any minute. Apparently they have issues too and even though they haven't shared them I should know they can't handle my pain.

So here I post. I post to write things down and get them out without having my friends feel the need to read it.