Breast Feeding In Public Part 2

It came to my attention that somehow this site is connected to my other site. It wasn't supposed to be viewable by my friends and family. Now, I want to let my friends know that part of the post may have been miss worded. Let me try to be clearer.

It's not a naked boob with a baby attached in a seat at a restaurant that makes me say get thee a towel. It's not someone seated in my home that has been invited in who has a baby and that child removes the blanket that I think about at that moment. No it's the woman who traps me at my register while her husband silently pleads with me not to make a big deal of her non baby attached nipple swinging out for the baby to attach to whenever it feels the need that makes me say dear gawd woman cover the F up. There is a camera taping that moment. Do you, as a woman, really want your nipple on record for management to stare at later? She was practically daring me to make a deal of it and I didn't. I refused to give her the satisfaction and then I came home and silently complained about it in what I thought was a anonymous forum that would get little to no views. I should have known better.

And for people who think that a boob loses it's attractiveness when I baby is attached, it doesn't. I have a horribly hard time not staring at a breast while a mom is nursing and if I glance to long I'm suddenly the one in the wrong. It's the same thing as writing something across your boobs or butt. I'm going to read it.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Pneumonia

On Thursday, I went to the doctor and saw a doctor associated with my primary. I should have waited a day and seen my doctor. She might have ordered the x-ray that would have showed the pneumonia earlier and saved me days worth of high fever and ick. I told the new lady that my history was complicated but she just took a short listen to my lungs and said Upper Respiratory Infection. Just get lots of rest and fluids. I might have pushed for more if I had felt on Thursday how I felt on Friday. Instead, I had a fever of 102 +, for 3 days before I gave in and went to the ER. Turns out that I have Pneumonia not a URI. Now I go to my doctor on wednesday for a double check but so far I feel I'm getting better.

Why Do I Eat?

I swear I'm going to give up eating. Ok, maybe right after I have the roast I so lovingly made for my husband that he didn't like. Thinks I over cooked it. I think it's perfect. Shrugs, I'll eat it. It's probably going to leave me rolling around the floor in pain though. It seems that the good feelings I had while at AnthroCon was because I kept forgetting to eat. Now that I'm back to eating 3 meals a day I'm in pain all the time. Why do I do this to myself? I feel bad so I eat. Eating makes me feel bad. I feel bad so I eat. It's a never ending cycle.

Over Now Please

Ok, so I understand that the doctor wants to do lots of testing and make sure there was nothing else wrong that could be causing problems. I get that. I am so done with testing. I don't wanna pay so much in tests that I can no longer afford to get my gallbladder taken care of. I need this done. I feel sick and hurt lots. My side is uncomfortable lots of time. My best days were the days I was at anthrocon and kept forgetting to eat. Not eating is the only thing that keeps me feeling ok. Sigh. Cheese, Chocolate, and Coffee my dear friends, I wish I could see you more.

Breast Feeding In Public

In honor of the 4th of July I'm going to tackle a rights issue currently blowing up in MI.

Breast feeding in public is legal in MI (I believe this is standard in most states) but does that make it right. Now, before you get all up in arms, I'm not attacking a moms right to feed their baby. Find a corner, sit down for a moment, cover up with a blanket, and feed your baby. Heck walk around getting stuff done while breast feeding but put a cover over your baby and your tit. I don't need to see it. You don't want me to stare at it. If I looked at your tit while you were feeding your baby and say "Nice boob." You'd be mad. If you would be mad at me commenting on it I shouldn't be able to see it. I don't see what the issue is with getting one of those covers to put over your breast. Go to the salvation army and buy a towel.

http://www.toysrus.com/search/index.jsp?kwCatId=&kw=nursing%20covers&origkw=nursing+covers&f=Taxonomy/TRUS/2255957&sr=1

OBGYN

So I saw my OBGYN on tuesday. It was a good news bad news visit. I can go ahead and have a baby. I can stay on arixtra. However, AriXtra does travel the placenta. It hasn't been found to cause birth defects but they've really only had case studies and no long term data. Something might happen that can't be predicted. If I go back on the Lovenox as the doctor would like I'll be sick as sick can be and might lose the baby. If I don't I might be endangering my baby later in life. Just kill me will you. Oh and the GI doctor has to figure out what the F he plans to do about my gallstones. If I need surgery I need to before baby or it has to wait til afterward.

Vacation

I went on vacation this weekend and had so much fun. We left thursday morning early and just got back into town this afternoon. I only had one bad day. I had some coffee and pizza in one day and suddenly I felt awful. I'm debating changing my diet. It's always something I swore I'd never do. I love cheese, chocolate, and coffee. I'm thinking about seriously limiting how much of those things I eat. It makes me feel icky.

You're What?

So my sister and I don't really get along. She's got middle child syndrome and I'm your typical eldest child. So we clash. On top of that I'm 5'9", with dirty blond hair, overweight, and I'm glad grand tracks of land. My sister is 5'7", blond hair, 95 lbs soaking wet, and with no boobs (see weight). So, there's some body issues on both sides. Her husband, her, and her kid lives in my parents house. She's been talking about wanting to have a second child. I thought there is no way that someone would go about having a child while living with their parents. After all, my parents can't possibly be happy having a screaming two year old in their house already. Why would you bring another child into their house? Yesterday my sister called me and told me she is pregnant again. On top of that, she wants me to be the godmother. I said yes. I may hate my sister but I love her too. She's my sister. But dear gawd get your own place. Stop giving Mom and Dad a hard time by living in two of their rooms. You don't need that stress either.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/14335112/ns/today-parenting/t/what-are-effects-middle-child-syndrome/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAP3TEE2MDs\

Conscious Sedation

Conscious sedation is wonderful. I had a wonderful nights sleep after my procedure on Friday. I don't even remember them giving my the drugs. I remember the them putting a bite thing in my mouth and then I remember the doctor talking to my husband in the recovery room. We managed to go get some dinner and then off to dream world I was once again. I slept from like 6:30pm til 6:30am. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager and I'm in my 30's now.

Feel Sick, Feel Sick, Feel Sick

So, in case you didn't get it, I feel sick. I feel so sick I'm worried that I wont get to take my vacation. I worry that I'll be admitted to the hospital tomorrow after my dr's apt. I'm also in a bit of pain. I really want this to stop. Right now, I'm pretty sure that I'd rather be dead then going through this much longer. I'm almost in enough pain to have my husband take me to the hospital. The only reason I'm not current in route is that I'm schedule for a endoscope in the morning.

If 1 Isn't Working Try 2

Or at least that's what my doctor seems to think. I hate it so much. I finally called him and said you know that pill you gave me, well I'm still not feeling better. First of all, I called on Thursday. I finally heard back from him on Monday. If that wasn't bad enough his response was well since one in the morning isn't working try one in the morning and one at night. Right now I feel so sick I pretty sure I'm going to throw up. Pain on the right side and nausea. Yeah, this couldn't possibly be gallstones. Why can't we just take the F'er out. Grrrrrrrrr

Work Sucks

I'm sick of work. I know everyone hates there job. My boss has made it clear I'm not being promoted. At least they're getting me off registers from time to time. It's better then nothing but I just have little to no motivation to work hard. I mean you tell someone btw you can't get anymore raises and I'm not promoting you. What do you think will happen?

Working on my writing. Wish me luck.

It's Not Working

Ok, Mr doctor man, I did it your way. I tried your drug for acid reflex even though there were few to no indications that I have issues with acid reflex. It's not working. My nausea has little to nothing to do with acid reflex. My nausea is because of my Gallstones. I appreciate you not being cut happy and wanted to rule everything out first but lets move forward please.

Closing Time

Dear annoying customer,

I know you want to buy things. I know we're a store. We're closing minutes now. Please, get your bum up to registers and check out. I'm in a lot of pain and I am out of patience to follow you around asking you if you're sure there is nothing I can't help you with.

Ok, Ma'am, We closed five minutes ago. I would really like to get home to see my husband before he goes to sleep. Is there something you need help with? Soon my manager will close the system and we wont be able to ring that massive pile of crap you have in your arms.

WTF! you finally got in line. I thought for sure you were ready to go. I stopped cleaning up and came over to ring you up only to find you still browsing. Is there something you are still looking for?

No, B*tch, we don't have that. We've been closed 10 min now and I have to have this drawer, the safe, the deposit, and the change order counted in 20 minutes now. Can you just bring that crap here? Please.

Finally, you bought your crap. Please, let me help you leave. What was that? a man told you we were closed but you figured you'd enter and shop anyway? Please, just leave.

The Overworked and Underpaid

I Hate The Wait!

As you know, if you've been following my posts, I have gallstones. They hurt a lot. They hurt way more whenever I eat. My doctor is dicking around looking for other possible problems. I always eat when I'm upset or nauseated. When you eat when you have gallstones it's painful and makes you more nauseated. So I get nauseated and I eat and I get more nauseated and I eat and then I'm doubled over in pain. I fear that I'm going to have to cancel my vacation. I'd hate to cancel it. I'm just going to schedule the surgery for the second I come back.

I feel like I've been bitching about the same thing over and over. Sorry.

Say Cheese

On the 17th of June they're going to put me under and then take pictures of my insides. I'm not particularly happy about it. Honestly, I'd prefer not to go through it since I'm sure that I'll wake up during it. I have gallstones and usually they remove the gallbladder to treat that. My doctor wants to rule everything out first. But ruling things out really does seem like it's going to take forever. I hate this.

More Tests

Sorry if I'm repeating myself. I can't remember if I mentioned that my feet used to be really bad before I had my P.E. After my P.E. my feet suddenly got better. Since they changed my meds recently my feet have been acting up again. I'm not sure why. I'm sure it has something to do with the lowering of my blood thinners. But my doctor never wants to listen to me. I had an ultra sound done on my legs today and at least they're clear of blood clots. I don't know what else to do about it though. Just give up on walking cause soon they'll be just as bad as they used to be or ignore them and hope they don't continue down the path of pain.

Determined

I have a vacation planned for the last weekend in June. I'm determined to go on that vacation. Last year I had to cancel and was kind of a good thing cause I was in the hospital the next weekend with the Pulmonary Embolisms. I have the time off this year. I got new shoes. My husband bought a new car. We are all kinds of ready for this thing. Then I was diagnosed with gallstones. Many of you are probably thinking something along these lines. Gallstones aren't really a big deal. Gallstones are inconvenient at best. And in many cases you'd be right. But I never do anything that easy traditional way. No, my doctor wants to dick around and play with alternative answers. He wants to check out other possibilities. Normally, I'd be all over this, test away. But see I have this vacation. I'm going on this vacation. My husband is worried I'll be several states away from my doctor when my gallbladder ruptures and I end up in a hospital very very far away. I see his point. I feel is worry. I'm going on this vacation. Now I just have to pretend I'm not in lots of pain and nauseated beyond belief for the next month to convince him we're going on this vacation.

New Doctors New Pain

Why is it that having a new doctor means starting over? I now have to go through a ton of crap test and medicine to prove this is my gallbladder. Oh, are we sure it isn't acid reflex. Come on guys. This is nausea which is apparently a rare symptom of heart burn. I have heart burn like once a month. This nausea is the gallbladder. Can't we just take it out and go from there. I hate this. Hate it. So now I get to have a camera put down my throat and have a looksey at my tummy to make sure it's not an ulcer. What?? Since when did this present like an ulcer. I have gallstones. You can point to them on the scan. Take it out jerk. Ahhhhhhh.

Gallstones

So, for those of you who don't know Gallstones are pebble like deposits in the gallbladder. They can be very painful. They can lead to more dangerous problems like rupturing of the gallbladder or infections. There is something like an 80% chance that they'll want to remove the gallbladder if you have symptoms from gallstones. There are non surgical options but from the reading I've been doing they're not very effective.

I'll let you know what my doctor says when I see him in the afternoon. I'm very happy that I have my neighbor who works in the hospital all my doctors do.

http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/gallstones/
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/gallstones/DS00165

It's Official

So my doctor calls me last wednesday at 7pm and leaves a message on my phone. Now, I'm kind of happy she left the message cause I didn't want to go a week before I found out (She only has office hours once a week). But the message sent me into a new depression. She leaves a message saying You have gallstones, fatty tissue in your liver, and protean s deficiency. If you have any questions give me a call at ***-***-****. Of course it's late and no one is there to answer the phone. She went on to say that I should see the G.I. on the 2nd of June. I wasn't waiting. The next morning I called the G.I. people and have a new apt for the 24th. Hopefully I'll know more soon.

I Got Distracted

I'm awful. My husband was so worried last night. I went out with my brother and forgot to tell him that I got there ok. My husband stayed up to late waiting for my txt. I feel awful about it. He says I've done it three times. I don't know if he's right or not. I can only plead forgetfulness and illness. I feel really bad about it but I don't think there is anything for me to do about it now.

On another note my doctor called and left a msg for me last night. I do have gallstones and apparently fatty tissue in my liver. I'm going to hound my GI and see when I can get in before the 2nd.

Most Depressing Version Of The 12 Days of Xmas

I have been sicker and sicker lately. The doctor had an ultra sound of my abdomen done. I got the tech to talk. Turns out I have gallstones. Cause what I needed was another illness to with all the others. I mean who gets kidney stones, gallstones, pulmonary embolisms, scoliosis, allergies, etc... the list goes on. Does my body have some list of demands it's got posted somewhere in my body but the doctors just haven't found it yet? They tested me for every known autoimmune disorder out there and nothing. I don't know what to do anymore. I think if I just went to sleep and failed to wake up one day it might be a blessing.

Cyst Rupture

I had a cyst that suddenly got inflamed and after a few days ruptured. While it was inflamed it hurt like a zit in your waist band. It also kind of smelled. The puss was off white and there was a significant amount of blood. It is really gross. I'm keeping it clean and washing it often. Hopefully it heals up quickly. They say you can't have sex while the cyst is healing.

New Job

I need to find a new job. I've been with the company I work for for ten years. I've been stuck in the same position for 5 years. I have been told by my manager that he wont be promoting me. I've hit the ceiling for pay and can't make any more unless I get promoted. I need the health insurance cause I'm sick all the time. I just wanna quit and take my chances but I can't take that kind of risk. FML

Concern About Coming Appointment

I have a new appointment on wednesday. I'm tired of appointments. I meet with my hematologist at 8am. They had a diagnosis for me and then they sent me a letter saying they'd been wrong. I don't think it was on purpose. I don't think she was just trying to get rid of me for months. I made them move up the appointment.

I'm sore all the time. I hurt all the time. Sometimes I feel as if I could just lay down and die. Sleep the long sleep. Now, before anyone gets up in arms thinking I'm going to kill myself. No worries. I think it's wrong to kill yourself. I just feel that if I wasn't trying so hard I wouldn't be alive. Like I've been willing myself to live and if I stopped I would just stop. I've been so sick.

Bed Ridden

I've been stuck in bed for days. Given that fact this blog should have been well tended by me but sorry alas I was to depressed to write. I've been in pain for days. My lungs have been hurting really bad. I wish there was something for me to do other than rest and take pills. I see my doctor next week. I don't know what they'll tell me. I can't imagine it'll be good. I hate it.

Decisions

I decided not to go to the ER on Friday. The pain came and went. It's still coming and going. I'm waiting until the doctor appointments next week. I don't really want to go in early. I'm afraid I might be throwing more clots but at the same time I don't wanna go in to find I'm just over reacting. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I hate it.

I have a doctor apt with my hemotologist on the 11th and my cardiovascular doctor on the 19th. Hopefully I'll know more then.

Current condition - I've had to take 2 oxy today. I last took one at 10 and I still have a burning pain in my right side. I had a sharp pain in my left bicep earlier. I don't wanna go to bed right now cause laying down hurts more.

When Do You Go To ER?

I spent a really annoying day Friday. I woke up sore over my of my torso. I decided I'd over done things. I figured I'd been at the house work to hard. After all, I spent 2 days cleaning up and doing laundry. I was up and down the stairs over and over again. For most of the day I was fine with moments of OMG that hurts. At night, when I was about to go to sleep, I got really short of breath. It feels like I have bronchitis to go with the scar tissue in my lungs. No fever though so I'm currently holding off on going to the ER. That may change by morning. If I have to call in sick again I think that will mean I'm going to the hospital though.

Ouch again

So sore today. My entire chest hurts. It hurts to move my arms around at the shoulders. I called in sick which is probably very good cause I just keep feeling worse. I haven't had any troubles breathing though so I think for now it's just a matter of resting. I feel awful and want just to stop feeling awful. However, that might happen.

Humpty Dumpty Took A Great Fall

I keep getting dizzy spells. Yesterday, when I was on the Elliptical machine at the gym, I had one and nearly fell off. I was doing my workout and let go of the hand holds (Which I normally do without problem) to get a drink of water when I suddenly lost balance was dangerously close to falling off backwards before I managed to get hold of the bars again. Once my hands were on the bars again I was fine. I continued to workout but made sure that I didn't let go again.

I have a dr apt with a cardio vascular doctor in two weeks time. Maybe they'll have some answers.

Watching The World Go By

I'm working hard on getting out and being more active. It helps with mood as well as health. But it's very hard. I get out and do just a bit and need to take a long break. I got 15 bulbs planted in the garden and suddenly it was time to rest. I do laundry (which is downstairs) and get winded. I don't know how long this will continue since my lungs don't appear to be getting better. I hate being physically capable of doing stuff and yet not at the same time.

I have two doctors apts coming up and right now I'm not even sure what they'll be able to do for me.

Addicted, Maybe?

So a lot of people disagree on what can be an addiction and what is just a bit of OCD.

The definition of Addiction, according to Websters, is the compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) is defined, according to mayo clinic, is an anxiety disorder characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to do repetitive behaviors (compulsions).

Now, no one is going to look at a heroine addict and say you're not addicted to that. Same with pain killers, alcohol, steroids, etc... However, if you say, I'm addicted to the computer someone is likely to doubt you. So, what's the difference between if you're addicted to the computer or you're a bit OCD? If you just can't go without sitting down at the computer cause you really, really just need to get on. You might be addicted. If you feel the need to get on the computer cause if you don't something bad might happen. You might be OCD.

Why am I delving into this? I got Angry Birds yesterday and I just went nuts playing it. I'm loving it. I doubt I'm addicted to it and I know I'm not OCD over it but it's really fun. So it lead me to start thinking about what makes you an addict.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/chemical-dependency/?mc_id=comlinkpilot&placement=bottom
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/DS00189/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs

Ow, Ow, Ow

This weekend has been full of pain. I've been feeling as if I have arthritis in my ribs. Everything in my rib cage area and back has been feeling tight like it needs to be stretched but then when I stretch them it just hurts. It means I haven't been sleeping well. Sleeping well helps so many things. I've been trying to do my yoga but it hasn't helped. I've been thinking about going back to my chiropractor but last time I did that it gave me so much pain that I visited the ER. My doctors are still clueless.

http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongenergy/tp/healthy_sleep.htm
http://www.thenewsargus.com/2.5246/not-getting-enough-sleep-is-more-serious-than-you-might-think-1.799912

So Much To Do So Little Time

I belong to three groups and two of them meet weekly. I work retail. I also read about a book a week. I enjoy being so busy but I know sometimes my husband would like to have some time off. Yet, because of people inability to make plans ahead of time. My husbands days of rest tend to be full of the stuff other people couldn't be bothered to think about ahead of time. I'm kind of upset with my sister. I had to turn her husband down for a birthday dinner. My sisters birthday was 3 days ago and they called the day of to ask if we could do dinner. We were already getting into our gym clothing when she called. We turned her down and I'm still feeling guilty about it. But she also needs to learn not to do that to people. It's rude.

Mood Effects Others

Your mood can easily effect others. I do a very bad job of letting my mood spill out onto other people. It's very bad of me. Specially since I don't like it when others let there mood effect me. One example was one of my editor friends. She was cruel to the point of nearly having me crying over writers group last night. She has been having a rough time. Her lungs are bugging her and she might have to start insulin. I feel bad for her but I'm very glad that I can put away the edits for a few days.

Poop or Get Off the Pot

Ok, I know you need to breath between sets when you're at the gym doing reps. I get that. So why are you talking to the person standing next to you the entire time. I think it might take you more time to get oxygenated if you busy jabbing that jaw instead of doing your crunches. And now you're either typing it in your phone or writing it down. You can't remember for the few minutes it'll take you to stand up and wipe off the machine. Oh, just go away I'll wipe the thing off.

I did apparently forget to post so I'll post a late one tonight to make up for it. I'm sure I'll have lots to gripe about.

We Always Hurt the Ones We Love

No matter how I try not to I'm always upsetting my husband. I love him so much yet I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. Today I got home after a crappy day at work and can't for the life of me figure out what my husband spent $150.00 on at the grocery store. I'm not seeing anything I want to eat. I know I'm just being complicated and difficult. I wanna just sit in my chair and cry. I asked for fruit and he got fruit but he got citrus and I was thinking apples or pears. I asked for lunches and he got me 5 of the same kind of pizza and it's not even my favorite brand or type. I only ate them the last time cause I bought them for him and he wasn't happy with them. Nothing is right. I know it's me and I should have been more specific or something. I hate myself when I upset him like this. I love him. He did get me this really cool fridge magnet and a fuze. I hate myself.

Going No Where Fast

I've been with the company I work with for 10 years. I have been passed up for promotion after promotion. I've hit the money cap (I can't get any more raises). I need to get a new job but I hate interviewing. I hate meeting with strangers to be judged. I also need to get at least 12.00 an hr with vacation, sick time, and health care.

I hate that I need to feel I'm doing a good job. I hate that I feel the need to do a good job for people that hate me. I don't want to feel the need for approval. I want to know I do a good job and not need someone to tell me good job.

I can't wait to quit my job.

Feeling Ill Again

Today, I feel sick yet again. I woke up nauseated, light headed, and dizzy. I went into work cause my boss said that he wanted to talk to me about the process of becoming management. He said we'd talk today. I went in feeling crappy and then it turns out that my boss had the day off.

Shortly after I was at work one of my coworkers girlfriends called in cause he was in the hospital cause he had a seizure. You can't leave sick when someone else had a seizure. Just doesn't work. Not that I don't feel awful for him. If he wants company I will go to the hospital and visit. It's just that I very much felt like I was going to pass out.

I don't even know that I want to do management anymore except that I'd be making much more money if I was.

I really just wanna feel better. I really want my head to not feel ick and my belly to not feel ick and well other things.

Jobs

One of my friends is losing her job. I want to get together with her and hug her tight. I want to say it'll be ok. It'd be a lie but I'd want it to be the truth. I want her life to be fine. I'm hoping that she can find a new job before her job cuts her lose. I worry about that it could be me. I could be one day sitting at work and they could tell me that I'm out of work. Out of work in this economy with nothing else to do. With a house and a family. With bills and obligations. The world doesn't stop spinning because you're life is going to crap.

The world doesn't stop being you're losing and there is nothing to be done about it. Nothing to be done but hope you friends are there to hug you and tell you it'll be ok even if they're lying.

Doing the Right Thing?

I've been working out, eating less, and trying very hard to do all the good things we're supposed to do. I don't lose much weight and the weight I do loss doesn't wanna stay off. Not only that but I feel crappy half the time. Why is it when I follow doctors advice my body rejects me?

Owww My Lung

My general doctor thinks that the pain in my lung is probably from scar tissue. I'm thinking about seeing a doctor that might be able to help me out with it. I'm not sure what kind of doctor could help me. Plus, none of my doctors have even done testing on my lungs since they found the last two P.E.'s. Months ago one of my hematology doctors said Oh don't worry. If we need to we'll just take that lung out. You only need one. At the time I was very WTF OMG. Now, after months of a moderate constant pain, I'm thinking well maybe they should just remove that thing. On the other hand having two lungs is like having two kidneys. It's a built in redundancy that I'm not sure I'm ready to live without.

http://www.lung.ca/diseases-maladies/a-z/pfibrosis-fibrosep/index_e.php
http://www.lunguk.org/you-and-your-lungs/conditions-and-diseases/Idiopathic+pulmonaryfibrosis%28fibrosingalveolitis%29

Drug Addicts

A lot of my family members are drug addicts. I really hate drugs. If you can't get it at a pharmacy you shouldn't be taking it. You shouldn't be taking anything from a pharmacy that wasn't prescribed to you. Now there are all kinds of gray areas. You can do pot but only if you have this handy card which can be gotten pretty easy at your doctors office (from what I hear). You can grow it if you are someones grower but only so much and you can't charge more then set up and grow costs. I think I'm going to stick with my original rule. If you can't get it at a pharmacy I wont be taking it. After all, not only are a lot of my family drug addicts but several of them have also over dosed. I miss them. I miss them a lot.

Babies

My husband is willing to give me a baby. He's willing to give him a baby even though he's terrified of having a baby. I'm worried that he's willing to give me a baby to make me wanna live. To make me wanna live every day. To make me continue to give myself shots. To give myself a shot every day. A shot every day. It sucks. I don't now what to do. I don't know if I should resign myself to not having a kid or go forward hoping my husband will love our baby even if that baby isn't what he wants cause it terrifies him. He worries we can't afford a baby. He also says he'll make whatever needs to happen happen. Then he jokes about having a vasectomy. He thinks it's funny and to me it says he doesn't want a kid. That I should put away my wishes for a baby and stuff them down deep. I think if I do that I'll die inside. I'll die and that will be it. I may not actually die but I'll be dead. I love him so much. I love him and I want him happy. I know that even if I die inside he'll never leave me. I don't know how to make things happy again.

So Many Things Not To Talk About

I'm not good with secrets. Horrible with them in fact. I just prefer that my life is an open book and I don't have to worry about who knows what. I don't have to go what can I tell so and so? Can I tell so in so this? I don't think I can tell so and so this but why? It's just easier to not hide anything.

But my boss, he thinks that I frequently have conversations with to much information. My husband doesn't wanna talk about some things cause they make him upset. It's actually why I started this thing. Some of my friends think I complain to much. I figure even if no one reads this I have an way to express myself.

Why can't people learn that I don't offend easy. Why can't they just tell me TMI when I'm doing TMI and I'll stop. Why do I have to hide my feelings cause you can't deal with them? I'm willing to do it with my husband cause I want to make sure that he's around to share the happy times with me and get me through the bad times. Do I really wanna add the stress of trying to remember what I can and can't say at work or just find a new job?

Second Opinions

I hate getting second opinions. I'm not joking I hate it. I somehow think that it's going to get back to my doctor and they'll be hurt that I didn't trust they were right. Like it says I think you're either an idiot or you lie. I hate getting them.

That said it's your life. If you have any doubts or reservations or just wanna make sure you're not doing something you really shouldn't you should get one. I'm getting one. My general doctor recommended it. I'm going to do it. I just really really hope that the doctor is finding me a specialist in a different building or at least a doctor that doesn't report to the same doctor I'm seeing. It is a specialist after all.

The Gods Keep Stealing My Carrots

Ok, so for those who don't know there is a concept the carrot and the stick. You can motivate people with either. Carrot is an incentive and the stick is a punishment. My punishment is that if I don't give myself a shot every day I could die. The doctors had promised me a carrot. They'd said that if I could just give myself the shots for about a year there would be a new pill out. They said there were two pills in FDA trials. The first one, I've already mention, failed due to amputations. My husband just informed me that the second one might be failing. They're having uncontrollable bleeding in patients. Both of my carrots are gone and I'm left with only the stick. Motivational speakers will tell you that while the stick may be effective it is not good for moral. No good for moral at all.

On another note I'm going to be getting a referral to see another doctor. After seeing my general she talked to someone who said see someone else. I'm going to be getting a second opinion. Wish me luck.

Dr Apts

I had a doctor appointment on Friday. My doctor was very nice and very responsive to my concerns. She didn't have any answers though. She's going to talk to another doctor. But no one has any answers for me. They talk about clinical trials but I'm one of those patients who apparently has to deal with waiting for the outcomes of clinical trails. I'm a difficult patient who challenges her doctors. Some doctors look forward to seeing me some doctors dread hearing from me.

I thought maybe if I let them do surgery like they'd wanted to in the hospital I'd be allowed to come off the shots. I was wrong. They wont let me come off the shots. Always shots for forever and ever. Or at least until I'm ready to go into the light.

But there are drugs in trial. The first of them failed spectacularly. It caused amputations. Amputations! The second drug it's doing well. It's going well in trials. My husband wants me to wait until it's been out for a year without troubles. A year so that anything they missed might be caught. I guess I can do this for a year. One year. I can give myself shots that cause bruises and nausea for one year cause there is an end in sight.

Passed

I've been passed from one doctor to another. I feel so sick all the time. I think it's my meds but that doctor wont hear it cause we're basically out of options. I thought I must be over coagulated and two weeks ago I was but yesterday I showed up under coagulated. I don't know what to do? I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time. Also my meds are supposed to be weight based and they're fluctuating wildly even though my weight isn't which I don't understand.

I just got off the phone with my primary doctor and they ordered me not to work out til I see them. Great just great I think they are worried that my nausea is being caused by my lung damage. I hope my lung isn't so damaged they want it out. I really hope my lung isn't so damaged they want it out. They talked about taking it out and I really don't want it out.

Rightly Worried or Paranoid

I am having numbness on my right hand side that feels like someone slapped a lidocaine patch on it. I have spongy skin on my right rib cage that appears to be bruising. I can't lay down to sleep. I'm just resting in the lazy boy chair now. I'm going to sleep in my lazy boy today. I'm kind of worried that I'm having another clot. I'm worried that the drugs they have me on don't work right.

Today when I went to have a blood test the doctor told me to have she hadn't put in the work. I got on the phone and yelled at their answering machine. I feel bad about yelling at the machine but I'm also so scared. Every time things start to go well something happens and I go spiraling out of control. I'm scared.

Test, Test, Test

So more tests and more pokes. I get more blood taken today. Yet, I'm actually upset by the lack of tests. My doctors run out of tests. She doesn't know what my problem is. She doesn't know and she doesn't want to figure it out. She doesn't want to know cause to her it doesn't change the outcome. She doesn't understand that I wont keep up with her treatment plan without a diagnosis. I wont give myself a shot every day for forever without a diagnosis. I need a diagnosis. I need to know. Now, I need to sit and wait for august to come so I can convince her that she needs to do more test. That or I find a new doctor. A new doctor. A new doctor means starting from the beginning all over again. I've been doing this since July. I thought we were good by August of last year. I was on a treatment plan and I was stable in my levels. I thought we were great. Then one day I woke up back in the hospital with the same problem again. Again, I had more clots. I can't just live everyday on a plan that may or may not be treating me correctly. I need a diagnosis. I need to know why. Doesn't everyone deserve to know why?

The Land of the Unknown

We need to talk about sex in this country. We have screwed up laws about teaching only abstinence in the class room. Sex is fun and we expect our teenagers to avoid it because a teacher or the church says so? I don't think so. Hell, most of us can't even avoid the chocolate cake with to many calories. When I was 17 my high school boyfriend asked me to marry his and I said yes. We didn't wait to have sex until the wedding night. I believed him when he said you can't get pregnant if you have sex in the water. I ended up pregnant, then I ended up in the courtroom, and then in an abortion clinic. All because people don't talk about sex in America.

Now I'm 33 and I'm 10 days late. I don't know why but I now know that a pregnancy test can incorrectly test for up to 14 days after your menstrual cycle was due. So, now I'm debating between buying a test and peeing on it tomorrow and waiting until the 14th day is up and doing it then. But I didn't know any of that until I started looking it up. We don't talk about sex but we get all upset about the mistakes kids make cause they don't know.

So here are a few tips
*If you are on the pill antibiotics make them less effective.
*If you are using and IUD and it pokes your counterparts penis the wires may be to long. Talk to your dr about trimming them.
*You can get pregnant if having sex in water.
*the rhythm method is only 75% effective with the correct information. If you're not really aware of your body it could be worse.
*Condoms are only 99% effective if worn from start to finish. They can also be easily damaged by fingernails.
*If you have any questions call your doctor. The internet is not always right.

You Can't Ask That

I'm a heavy girl. I'm over weight and I know it. You are not allowed to ask any woman for any reason if they are pregnant in anything other than a doctors office and then only if you're a medical professional. You are not allowed to ask your waitress. You are not allowed to ask the cashier at the store. You are not allowed to ask anyone no matter how you ask them. If the person next to her is talking about how wonderful her pregnancy is don't turn to the woman next to her and say so when are you due. It's just wrong people. Specially when the woman you're telling is not pregnant.

They Give Me Pills for My Pills

So you know the problem. This thing you gave me to cure me has caused x,y, and z. The problem is that their solution is to cover up the side effects with other pills that can have an x,y, and z of their very own. So my doctors have me on AriXtra. This is weight dosed. I've been trying very hard to work out all the time and so I've been losing fat. As I lose fat I get more symptomatic. My doctor doesn't want to switch my meds every time I get symptomatic so she give me scripts for other drugs to mask the symptoms. The AriXtra keeps my blood from clotting. It also makes me nauseated, light headed, gives me headaches, and diarrhea. I know probably TMI. Sorry. But supposedly most of those aren't side effects of the drugs. However, when you fix the dosage they go away so I don't see what else they could be from. So she want me to take 3 other drugs to mask the side effects of the first one. I have found that ginger helps with nausea. Other than pills I don't know what else I can do for them. I'm tempted to stop working out just to put on weight just to lose the side effects.

Pain - Is it good or bad?

One thing my father said when I was growing up was Pain lets you know you're still alive. It was not a very positive thing to say when you're 7 but it wasn't untrue. But so many other times people are unable to answer my questions about pain. Is this pain a good pain? Does it mean whatever I'm doing is healing the problem? Does it mean stop whatever you're doing right now? Stop cause you're doing damage? Is the pain a result of an old injury that's still healing or a new one that I should be seeing a doctor about? Does anyone have the answers?

Rinse and Repeat

While most of us don't actually follow the instruction on the shampoo bottle our illnesses do. My illness sure as hell does. We all have good days we all have bad days but some days you think it'll never get better. I know I am starting to think I should have just let them remove my right lung but then I'm sure I'd have some other kind of problem. Of course, I also have the same problem as yesterdays post. I sometimes wonder if my doctor is even worried about me. One day it feels all better, the next it feels OMG awful. If I get out of breath it turns into a horrible problem the next day. What self respecting 33 year old can't go up and down the stairs for fear of being paralyzed with pain the next day?

File or Face

If you ever have to see a doctor you'll probably come across a doctor who doesn't see you. Doesn't realize they are in front of a patient not a medical case file. They don't see you. If you see doctors in specialties you're more likely to come across to run across this. If you have something rare you're even more likely. It sucks. It's awful.
Here's a list of things you can do:
1 - When the doctor is in the room you can ask them to sit down.
2 - You can bring in a list of all your questions with you so you don't forget any when the doctor is trying to get on with his/her day. Don't worry if you're list is 5 pages long. Keep asking until you're satisfied. If you don't understand ask them again and again until you do.
3 - You can ask to speak with the Doctors Nurse Practitioner for fine details.
4 - You can ask the doctor to look at you when you're speaking. Make sure they realize you're a person.
5 - remember you can always find a new doctor. It may not feel like you can but it is an option.

For those doctors out there who are very very busy remember the person in front if you is scared. They don't understand what's going on with them. They really just want you to look at them and tell them that you're there to help. You want to help them. You're not just interested because they have some interesting problem. You're interested in them. Please don't run in say everything will be fine and you're not worried while they're vomiting on their shoes. They're worried.

Quality of life vs Quantity of life

My doctor seems to be very concerned for the quantity of my life. Normally I find this an important quality in a doctor. I want doctors who want to keep me alive. My doctor is however unconcerned with the quality of my life. She doesn't seem to care that I feel sick to my stomach, light headed, and I have the runs. She said yes my dose was showing up as high but she wasn't concerned. WTF I called and had a blood test so that if the meds were off they could be adjusted not ignored. I have felt on the edge of vomiting for a week and the answer is don't worry I'm not concerned. Go to hell. Plus she left this she wasn't concerned message on my voice mail after her office was closed and she wasn't available again til monday. WTF

Alone in my own head

I'm very good at never letting myself have enough time to think. I almost always have the television going. I'm always on the go. I always have things to do. When I go to bed it's usually because I've driven myself until I've passed out on the couch first. I think that I'm a nice person and I can't think of anything particularly awful about myself. Yet I don't like me. I don't know why. So when I go to bed before exhaustion hits and I have that moment before I fall asleep where I can reflect on me. In that moment I'm alone in my own head and I don't like being there.

Becoming Mortal

I have always been sick but I've always been strong. I wadded into bar fights to break them up when I was in college. I did competitive judo when I was in my twenties. While I knew I was mortal I didn't feel mortal. I didn't think anything could really hurt me. I could hurt but it would end. Now I worry I'm dying every day. I want to have a kid with my husband and he also worries I might die any day. He used to think I was immortal (not literally). Now he worries about me. He doesn't like me driving at night. He doesn't sleep well if I'm not in bed with him. He worries about me and I can't make him not worry. I want to be immortal for him again. I can't just join him in bed every night knowing if I'm in the other room he wont sleep as well. I don't like the look in his eyes when I say I'm going to be doing something he thinks might be dangerous.

My husband is a wonderful man. He does housework so I wont have too. He makes sure I'm safe. He worries about me. I want to be a wonderful wife that does everything for him and I'm mortal.

I want to be immortal again.

First Post

This is the first post in my self pity blog. I don't want to torture my friends with my wallowing any longer. I don't feel good. I never feel good. Even if my body is whole my spirit is flawed. My body is rarely whole.

I should probably give some back story. I'm sick. I've been kind of sick most of my life but I was always strong. I was immortal until July 3rd 2010. About 6 years ago I had heel spurs. My heel spurs didn't just go away like they thought they would. Eventually a Dr took them out and for a bit they got better but then suddenly they got worse and swollen. The doctors don't think this was the cause of my problem in July but I disagree. See on July 3rd 2010 I almost died. A massive pulmonary embolism lodged itself in my right lung. It was hard but I managed to live. I went on drugs which was a big to do cause I'm heparin resistant. A few months later I had two more pulmonary embolisms even though my warfrain levels had been therapeutic. So we played with more meds and they put me on lovenox which worked well for a bit. It made me very sick after awhile. nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, and dizziness. So they switched me to AriXtra. It was going well lately I've had nausea and dizziness again.

So that's what happened. Now here's why I'm writing this. Sometimes I wish I hadn't lived that night in July. Sometimes I wish I'd died anyway. Sometimes I think that it isn't worth it. And now cause I can't seem to get happy I'm losing friends. Apparently 7 months means I should be happy and bouncy even though I feel like I might have to go vomit at any minute. Apparently they have issues too and even though they haven't shared them I should know they can't handle my pain.

So here I post. I post to write things down and get them out without having my friends feel the need to read it.