Ouch again

So sore today. My entire chest hurts. It hurts to move my arms around at the shoulders. I called in sick which is probably very good cause I just keep feeling worse. I haven't had any troubles breathing though so I think for now it's just a matter of resting. I feel awful and want just to stop feeling awful. However, that might happen.

Humpty Dumpty Took A Great Fall

I keep getting dizzy spells. Yesterday, when I was on the Elliptical machine at the gym, I had one and nearly fell off. I was doing my workout and let go of the hand holds (Which I normally do without problem) to get a drink of water when I suddenly lost balance was dangerously close to falling off backwards before I managed to get hold of the bars again. Once my hands were on the bars again I was fine. I continued to workout but made sure that I didn't let go again.

I have a dr apt with a cardio vascular doctor in two weeks time. Maybe they'll have some answers.

Watching The World Go By

I'm working hard on getting out and being more active. It helps with mood as well as health. But it's very hard. I get out and do just a bit and need to take a long break. I got 15 bulbs planted in the garden and suddenly it was time to rest. I do laundry (which is downstairs) and get winded. I don't know how long this will continue since my lungs don't appear to be getting better. I hate being physically capable of doing stuff and yet not at the same time.

I have two doctors apts coming up and right now I'm not even sure what they'll be able to do for me.

Addicted, Maybe?

So a lot of people disagree on what can be an addiction and what is just a bit of OCD.

The definition of Addiction, according to Websters, is the compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) is defined, according to mayo clinic, is an anxiety disorder characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to do repetitive behaviors (compulsions).

Now, no one is going to look at a heroine addict and say you're not addicted to that. Same with pain killers, alcohol, steroids, etc... However, if you say, I'm addicted to the computer someone is likely to doubt you. So, what's the difference between if you're addicted to the computer or you're a bit OCD? If you just can't go without sitting down at the computer cause you really, really just need to get on. You might be addicted. If you feel the need to get on the computer cause if you don't something bad might happen. You might be OCD.

Why am I delving into this? I got Angry Birds yesterday and I just went nuts playing it. I'm loving it. I doubt I'm addicted to it and I know I'm not OCD over it but it's really fun. So it lead me to start thinking about what makes you an addict.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/chemical-dependency/?mc_id=comlinkpilot&placement=bottom
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/DS00189/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs

Ow, Ow, Ow

This weekend has been full of pain. I've been feeling as if I have arthritis in my ribs. Everything in my rib cage area and back has been feeling tight like it needs to be stretched but then when I stretch them it just hurts. It means I haven't been sleeping well. Sleeping well helps so many things. I've been trying to do my yoga but it hasn't helped. I've been thinking about going back to my chiropractor but last time I did that it gave me so much pain that I visited the ER. My doctors are still clueless.

http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongenergy/tp/healthy_sleep.htm
http://www.thenewsargus.com/2.5246/not-getting-enough-sleep-is-more-serious-than-you-might-think-1.799912

So Much To Do So Little Time

I belong to three groups and two of them meet weekly. I work retail. I also read about a book a week. I enjoy being so busy but I know sometimes my husband would like to have some time off. Yet, because of people inability to make plans ahead of time. My husbands days of rest tend to be full of the stuff other people couldn't be bothered to think about ahead of time. I'm kind of upset with my sister. I had to turn her husband down for a birthday dinner. My sisters birthday was 3 days ago and they called the day of to ask if we could do dinner. We were already getting into our gym clothing when she called. We turned her down and I'm still feeling guilty about it. But she also needs to learn not to do that to people. It's rude.

Mood Effects Others

Your mood can easily effect others. I do a very bad job of letting my mood spill out onto other people. It's very bad of me. Specially since I don't like it when others let there mood effect me. One example was one of my editor friends. She was cruel to the point of nearly having me crying over writers group last night. She has been having a rough time. Her lungs are bugging her and she might have to start insulin. I feel bad for her but I'm very glad that I can put away the edits for a few days.

Poop or Get Off the Pot

Ok, I know you need to breath between sets when you're at the gym doing reps. I get that. So why are you talking to the person standing next to you the entire time. I think it might take you more time to get oxygenated if you busy jabbing that jaw instead of doing your crunches. And now you're either typing it in your phone or writing it down. You can't remember for the few minutes it'll take you to stand up and wipe off the machine. Oh, just go away I'll wipe the thing off.

I did apparently forget to post so I'll post a late one tonight to make up for it. I'm sure I'll have lots to gripe about.

We Always Hurt the Ones We Love

No matter how I try not to I'm always upsetting my husband. I love him so much yet I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. Today I got home after a crappy day at work and can't for the life of me figure out what my husband spent $150.00 on at the grocery store. I'm not seeing anything I want to eat. I know I'm just being complicated and difficult. I wanna just sit in my chair and cry. I asked for fruit and he got fruit but he got citrus and I was thinking apples or pears. I asked for lunches and he got me 5 of the same kind of pizza and it's not even my favorite brand or type. I only ate them the last time cause I bought them for him and he wasn't happy with them. Nothing is right. I know it's me and I should have been more specific or something. I hate myself when I upset him like this. I love him. He did get me this really cool fridge magnet and a fuze. I hate myself.

Going No Where Fast

I've been with the company I work with for 10 years. I have been passed up for promotion after promotion. I've hit the money cap (I can't get any more raises). I need to get a new job but I hate interviewing. I hate meeting with strangers to be judged. I also need to get at least 12.00 an hr with vacation, sick time, and health care.

I hate that I need to feel I'm doing a good job. I hate that I feel the need to do a good job for people that hate me. I don't want to feel the need for approval. I want to know I do a good job and not need someone to tell me good job.

I can't wait to quit my job.

Feeling Ill Again

Today, I feel sick yet again. I woke up nauseated, light headed, and dizzy. I went into work cause my boss said that he wanted to talk to me about the process of becoming management. He said we'd talk today. I went in feeling crappy and then it turns out that my boss had the day off.

Shortly after I was at work one of my coworkers girlfriends called in cause he was in the hospital cause he had a seizure. You can't leave sick when someone else had a seizure. Just doesn't work. Not that I don't feel awful for him. If he wants company I will go to the hospital and visit. It's just that I very much felt like I was going to pass out.

I don't even know that I want to do management anymore except that I'd be making much more money if I was.

I really just wanna feel better. I really want my head to not feel ick and my belly to not feel ick and well other things.

Jobs

One of my friends is losing her job. I want to get together with her and hug her tight. I want to say it'll be ok. It'd be a lie but I'd want it to be the truth. I want her life to be fine. I'm hoping that she can find a new job before her job cuts her lose. I worry about that it could be me. I could be one day sitting at work and they could tell me that I'm out of work. Out of work in this economy with nothing else to do. With a house and a family. With bills and obligations. The world doesn't stop spinning because you're life is going to crap.

The world doesn't stop being you're losing and there is nothing to be done about it. Nothing to be done but hope you friends are there to hug you and tell you it'll be ok even if they're lying.

Doing the Right Thing?

I've been working out, eating less, and trying very hard to do all the good things we're supposed to do. I don't lose much weight and the weight I do loss doesn't wanna stay off. Not only that but I feel crappy half the time. Why is it when I follow doctors advice my body rejects me?

Owww My Lung

My general doctor thinks that the pain in my lung is probably from scar tissue. I'm thinking about seeing a doctor that might be able to help me out with it. I'm not sure what kind of doctor could help me. Plus, none of my doctors have even done testing on my lungs since they found the last two P.E.'s. Months ago one of my hematology doctors said Oh don't worry. If we need to we'll just take that lung out. You only need one. At the time I was very WTF OMG. Now, after months of a moderate constant pain, I'm thinking well maybe they should just remove that thing. On the other hand having two lungs is like having two kidneys. It's a built in redundancy that I'm not sure I'm ready to live without.

http://www.lung.ca/diseases-maladies/a-z/pfibrosis-fibrosep/index_e.php
http://www.lunguk.org/you-and-your-lungs/conditions-and-diseases/Idiopathic+pulmonaryfibrosis%28fibrosingalveolitis%29

Drug Addicts

A lot of my family members are drug addicts. I really hate drugs. If you can't get it at a pharmacy you shouldn't be taking it. You shouldn't be taking anything from a pharmacy that wasn't prescribed to you. Now there are all kinds of gray areas. You can do pot but only if you have this handy card which can be gotten pretty easy at your doctors office (from what I hear). You can grow it if you are someones grower but only so much and you can't charge more then set up and grow costs. I think I'm going to stick with my original rule. If you can't get it at a pharmacy I wont be taking it. After all, not only are a lot of my family drug addicts but several of them have also over dosed. I miss them. I miss them a lot.

Babies

My husband is willing to give me a baby. He's willing to give him a baby even though he's terrified of having a baby. I'm worried that he's willing to give me a baby to make me wanna live. To make me wanna live every day. To make me continue to give myself shots. To give myself a shot every day. A shot every day. It sucks. I don't now what to do. I don't know if I should resign myself to not having a kid or go forward hoping my husband will love our baby even if that baby isn't what he wants cause it terrifies him. He worries we can't afford a baby. He also says he'll make whatever needs to happen happen. Then he jokes about having a vasectomy. He thinks it's funny and to me it says he doesn't want a kid. That I should put away my wishes for a baby and stuff them down deep. I think if I do that I'll die inside. I'll die and that will be it. I may not actually die but I'll be dead. I love him so much. I love him and I want him happy. I know that even if I die inside he'll never leave me. I don't know how to make things happy again.

So Many Things Not To Talk About

I'm not good with secrets. Horrible with them in fact. I just prefer that my life is an open book and I don't have to worry about who knows what. I don't have to go what can I tell so and so? Can I tell so in so this? I don't think I can tell so and so this but why? It's just easier to not hide anything.

But my boss, he thinks that I frequently have conversations with to much information. My husband doesn't wanna talk about some things cause they make him upset. It's actually why I started this thing. Some of my friends think I complain to much. I figure even if no one reads this I have an way to express myself.

Why can't people learn that I don't offend easy. Why can't they just tell me TMI when I'm doing TMI and I'll stop. Why do I have to hide my feelings cause you can't deal with them? I'm willing to do it with my husband cause I want to make sure that he's around to share the happy times with me and get me through the bad times. Do I really wanna add the stress of trying to remember what I can and can't say at work or just find a new job?

Second Opinions

I hate getting second opinions. I'm not joking I hate it. I somehow think that it's going to get back to my doctor and they'll be hurt that I didn't trust they were right. Like it says I think you're either an idiot or you lie. I hate getting them.

That said it's your life. If you have any doubts or reservations or just wanna make sure you're not doing something you really shouldn't you should get one. I'm getting one. My general doctor recommended it. I'm going to do it. I just really really hope that the doctor is finding me a specialist in a different building or at least a doctor that doesn't report to the same doctor I'm seeing. It is a specialist after all.

The Gods Keep Stealing My Carrots

Ok, so for those who don't know there is a concept the carrot and the stick. You can motivate people with either. Carrot is an incentive and the stick is a punishment. My punishment is that if I don't give myself a shot every day I could die. The doctors had promised me a carrot. They'd said that if I could just give myself the shots for about a year there would be a new pill out. They said there were two pills in FDA trials. The first one, I've already mention, failed due to amputations. My husband just informed me that the second one might be failing. They're having uncontrollable bleeding in patients. Both of my carrots are gone and I'm left with only the stick. Motivational speakers will tell you that while the stick may be effective it is not good for moral. No good for moral at all.

On another note I'm going to be getting a referral to see another doctor. After seeing my general she talked to someone who said see someone else. I'm going to be getting a second opinion. Wish me luck.

Dr Apts

I had a doctor appointment on Friday. My doctor was very nice and very responsive to my concerns. She didn't have any answers though. She's going to talk to another doctor. But no one has any answers for me. They talk about clinical trials but I'm one of those patients who apparently has to deal with waiting for the outcomes of clinical trails. I'm a difficult patient who challenges her doctors. Some doctors look forward to seeing me some doctors dread hearing from me.

I thought maybe if I let them do surgery like they'd wanted to in the hospital I'd be allowed to come off the shots. I was wrong. They wont let me come off the shots. Always shots for forever and ever. Or at least until I'm ready to go into the light.

But there are drugs in trial. The first of them failed spectacularly. It caused amputations. Amputations! The second drug it's doing well. It's going well in trials. My husband wants me to wait until it's been out for a year without troubles. A year so that anything they missed might be caught. I guess I can do this for a year. One year. I can give myself shots that cause bruises and nausea for one year cause there is an end in sight.

Passed

I've been passed from one doctor to another. I feel so sick all the time. I think it's my meds but that doctor wont hear it cause we're basically out of options. I thought I must be over coagulated and two weeks ago I was but yesterday I showed up under coagulated. I don't know what to do? I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time. Also my meds are supposed to be weight based and they're fluctuating wildly even though my weight isn't which I don't understand.

I just got off the phone with my primary doctor and they ordered me not to work out til I see them. Great just great I think they are worried that my nausea is being caused by my lung damage. I hope my lung isn't so damaged they want it out. I really hope my lung isn't so damaged they want it out. They talked about taking it out and I really don't want it out.